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Ok so I get back and Billy Boy has drunk all my beer, is seeing cows, and has redecorated my bedroom. Bobby and Thaed are duking it out down below. Ricardo, Elizabeth, Chas, Mr. Fab, Flat Greg, and Kit are watching Hungarian television.
One question... Who is going to clean up this mess?
You are all grounded!
Who did their business on the carpet?
B-I-L-L-Y B-O-Y!!!!!
Oh boy, looks like I decided to crash at Kelly's place at the wrong time. Didn't realize that Porn Wars was going on here. I thought I heard something about Star Wars and felt it would be cool to crash and watch the movie. Oh well.
Looks like I'm outta here. But I'm perplexed over something I happened to see here...
As I was packing up my bones, I happened to notice that the door to Kelly's bedroom was opened so of course, I had to peek in.
Whoa, as you can see from this photo I took, she sure has a lotta porn mags saved. They are even all organized and on shelves according to....oops, never mind, better not go there.
Well, I guess it's back to The Chronicles for me. Does anyone know if cows snore?
I'm sure everyone reading this has been wondering the same thing as I have. For crying out loud, when is Kelly getting back? I need my daily Kelly fix!
Turns out she's serving a short prison sentence for internet indecency. Did you read that filth she wrote about porn? Yeah, I did too. Actually I printed it out, blew it up, and hung it from the ceiling just to the left of the mirror and disco ball. I had to take down my ode to the Olsen Twins to make the space, but they've lost their luster anyways.
I'm going to use Kelly to make a point because I saw that I got lumped into the conversation some, due to a few commentors who seem to think that all I do is think about porn. The thing is, that isn't really true. Sure, I like my porn. It gets me through lonely nights, comforts me after a loud thunderstorm, and makes my heart race when someone sends me some unexpectedly. But I like other things as well. I'm no monster.
Things I Like Besides Porn:
1. Picking on midgets
2. Kicking babies
3. Picketing funerals
4. Tripping old people
5. Stealing oxygen tanks
Are you appalled? Has your email to Kelly warning her about me been started yet? Would you have found it even worse if I had sprinkled swear words in there as well?
Of course you are, have, would.
Right now there are at least two people beginning an email to Kelly about this post or about me. A warning. A concerned friend. It's funny.
Why?
Because 99.9% of people reading Kelly‘s site don‘t know her any more than they think they know me. Some of you out there think you know Kelly because of reading her posts and leaving her a comment, at which she is always quick to comment back. You send her an email and she responds! You go back through the archives and see a picture. You leave a link to your page and she visits, leaving a comment on one of your posts. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.
So explain to me how at this point you would actually have any clue about what Kelly is really like in real life?
Ok, she likes yoga and coffee. So do millions of other people.
She mentions some things she has done in her past. I liked skiing too, we must be soulmates!
Look, there is a difference between knowing someone and reading whatever it is that someone decides to put out on a blog. For instance, I’m flattered that people email Kelly about me, or leave comments in her posts that may or may not be subtle, underhanded jabs at who they think I am. Seriously, it feeds that special spot in my brain that I have reserved for thoughts on how ridiculous the world is. Which, coincidentally, is usually the angle I take in writing whatever it is I put out onto the internet.
What makes more sense: Admitting that pictures of naked women arouse me, or sending an email to a stranger with advice on how they should live their life?
Naked pictures of women do arouse me. If sex doesn’t arouse you then I’d suggest that you are abnormal. Now, giving someone unsolicited advice when you know next to nothing about them? Well I think that’s odd. And a little creepy.
Oh yeah, my point…
The internet has brought the people and places of this world closer to each and every one of us. Information is literally at our fingertips. You can read what a woman in Colorado chooses to write about, or what a man in Michigan chooses to vent about. It doesn’t mean though, that you know the person any more than you did before you read their websites. Which is to say, not at all.
Just so you know…
I started a charity for a little girl. I open doors for women. I say please and thank you. I’m the guy organizing friends to buy a kick-ass birthday gift for someone. I buy my cousin groceries and gas because my uncle’s a dick and she needs the help. I pay more in rent than my roommate does because I make a good deal more money and the place we really wanted would have been out of his price range otherwise. I’ll tip waiters more money if I notice someone stiffed them from another table, or god forbid, a friend of mine does it.
I also find laughter in things that many of you don’t. It doesn’t make me any worse than you, just different. I like porn because I’m a human being. Sex is hard-wired into my brain and I don’t find it odd to say out loud or look at in print. Maybe you do. Congrats on that, you’re no better than me, just different.
Kelly will probably be back later tonight, and I didn’t ask her, I just hijacked her site. Also, she’s away on business, not in jail like I joked about above.
Your thoughts?
Kelly, there's some stupid Cow staying at The Chronicles and I've been kicked out of my room.
S0 do you think it's possible I can stay at your place for a few days? I'm really quiet, house trained and I give great back massages.
What do you think? Can I? Can I? Can I? Pleeeease! Hey, did you say something about porn?
Well I was going to blog about getting a pedicure and share some thoughts about my upcoming trip to Houston, however, Thaed left a comment in the post below and it inspired me.
I have great affection for Thaed so I hope no one misinterprets this as a flame war. Totally not.
The comment was jokingly about Bobby, porn in- porn out.. But I was grinning furiously because in truth, I have actually shared what technically would be considered pornographic images with Bobby, not the other way around. Then I started thinking, were the images that I shared actually pornographic? What standards do I apply?
When I say the word pornography, or more often porn, in conversations, typically I mean it in a derogatory sense. Actually I'm thinking dumb, big breasted, angry boob women, who will do anything for money.
However the actual definition, depending where you go, is something like... Materials or visual imagery of a sexual nature intended for the purpose of sexual gratification or arousal.
Some define pornography as obscene. Though I think that depends on the person.
The Supreme Courts Generally refers to Miller V. California used to determine "obscene" when evaluating pornography or sexually explicit materials. Referred to as the Miller Test.
The for dummies version interpreted by me is this.. Would an average person, with basic moral standards find the material offensive? (and) the material is not artistic, scientific, or of a literary substance.
Is that broad enough? Earlier opinions given by the court may give some indication.
Justice Byron White took the stance that no erections or no insertions meant not obscene. Which leads me to believe he had a subscription to Playboy. That and the fact that he was a CU grad and NFL player.
Justice William Brennen applied the "limp dick" test. I did not make that up. His assertion being that, even is cases of oral sex, as long as there was no erection there was no obscenity. Obviously before the days of Viagra when this would have been possible.
Justice Potter Stewart applied the Casablanca test or the "I know it when I see it" test. Being that he was a Navy man who served aboard an oil tanker during WWII, I'll take his word on it.
This also brings this question to my mind. Do we raise the bar too high when it comes to our expectations of our Supreme Court? Yes they are the highest court in the land... but what happens when the highest court in the land is so lofty that their definition of obscenity falls out of step with the common man?
I am happy thinking that at least half of these people have been sexually aroused by materials not deemed artistic or scientific in nature.
I'm not Buddhist by the way, but I have to admit Siddhartha Gautama was as profound as they come.
The philosophy that where the body goes the mind follows is something that I am reminding myself each morning. My mind is stuck, so I am trying to stay in motion to prevent rigor from setting in. I went to the yoga studio this morning and it felt good to stretch in the heated room, empty my mind, and let go.
Here are some other Buddhist sayings that make for good thoughts on a Saturday morning.
Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.
Nothing is permanent.
There is no fire like passion, there is no shark like hatred, there is no snare like folly, there is no torrent like greed.
We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.
Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.
Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.
Buddha
I hate to double post, but I know in advance that I will be too busy to post tomorrow. I thought I should explain my new Mystery Blog of the Day.
In the past I participated in Blog Explosions, Rent My Blog. I liked the idea of sharing other blogs with readers of A Yoga Coffee Outlook. Scooter McGavin's 9th Green rented from me and got virtually no hits. I chalked it up to the fact that Scooter is quite recognizable and people just weren't interested in the program anymore.
So to replace Rent My Blog, I will just randomly feature a new blog each day. I don't have any plan for how I will pick, but I do promise to not send you to any dangerous, virus or pop-up ridden sites.
So have fun and enjoy the mystery.
I published two, count um... two, podcasts this week. Also, please sign into the guestbook and feel free to link your blog if you have one.
So last night my friend Dianna had her friend Heidi in town from Chicago. Not sure why the responsibility fell to me to be the Lodo barhopping tour guide.... as I hold my hands together look to the sky and whistle innocently.
So we started out at Marlowe's for martini sipping. All were carded, I keep track as I get older. Heidi was the only girl who was single, available, and looking. So, Dianna and I were busy picking out men for her. Dianna is my married friend and she knows more about the art of picking up men then anyone I have ever met. She is the reason for my "business card rule". So after ogling men on Heidi's behalf, it was time to move along.
Next was the Appaloosa Grill. We were greeted at the door, carded (thank gawd) and told there was no cover but would we like to make a donation to the musician. Um, let me think about that.... NO. Ok me... big supporter of musicians and independent music. Them... Bar owned by the mayor of Denver that advertises "live music every night". What kind of third world, cheap slave labor is that? Don't get me wrong, in no way am I opposed to musicians passing the hat. But don't base your business on the fact that you have live music and hit people up at the door for donations before they even have a chance to listen to the band.
The band was The Gogo Lab. They were fine ambient music, but way too loud. I would not have even mentioned this for fear of sounding old. However, I spoke to a friend who lives in the area and he told me that the bar gets a lot of noise complaints. I have to assume that they draw people in off of the mall by keeping the volume high. Makes it uncomfortable. Fortunately, the band took a break not long after we arrived and my hearing was not being damaged the entire time I was there. Unfortunately, it made it possible for these guys to pull up a seat next to us.
These guys tried to run the bachelor party pick up scam on a Wednesday night. There are many different variations on the scam, but basically it enables a group of sloppy drunk guys to approach and talk to women by giving them the line, "me and my friends are here for a bachelor party but lost our friends, what are your names." Which beats the alternative, "we are drunk losers, trying to pick up chicks and need an excuse to explain our drunken, disorderly, and offensive appearance."
These two heartthrobs, introduced themselves as Minnesota and Mulberry Brownstone. WTF, say cheese, I'm blogging you, now go away.
Last bar, Corridor 44. I love this place. It's the old Josephina's in Larimer Square. It's an odd shaped space which makes it fun. It's a champagne/cocktail bar with late night dining. There is a great space in the back of the bar. So great in fact I am searching my brain for a reason to host a private party there.
I could mention what we did next, but honestly it's embarrassing and I regret the whole episode.
As promised, the result of me spending too much time on the internet.
Have fun and consider it all NSFW.
Super Bad Karma - This guy sold his crappy laptop on ebay and forgot to take his foot fetish photos off the hard drive. Only problem is that the buyer was unhappy, and this is the result.
Saya punya suntikan saya sendiri - I have my own syringe, and other unlikly phrases you might need while traveling.
Magic Eight Ball - My sources say no.
Play Dress Up - Punk Rock Girl, ET, Old Punk Rock Girl
Draw a Pig - Personality Test. I draw a long tail ;)
Why Tweeze? Celebrate the unity of your eyebrows.
Why Not? Celebrate your pants on your head.
Be a Pimp - or at least dress like one.
Be a Pirate - or just fight ninjas like one.
Net Down - What happens when my network goes down.
